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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...