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Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.