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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`