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My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
I log off because I`m bord... I log on 5min later because I`m bord
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
Honk if you want to see my finger.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if Iām right!!!!