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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
Sometimes all you need is $100,000
Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.