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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.