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Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.