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Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
If you´re cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.