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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."