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The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
i only drink on days that end with y
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.