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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
I put the hot in psychotic.
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.