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It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch