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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.