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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.