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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.