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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.