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Looking for one night stand! Probably need two! I have a lot of books
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.