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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
is available for rebound sex.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
Diet plan: make friends fatter
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
My whole life is based on a true story...