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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.