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I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.