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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."