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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
I`m having an out of money experience.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.