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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore