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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?