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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
My whole life is based on a true story...
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.