Daily Silly Status

Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.

I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.

I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.

I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.

You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.

Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”

Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.

I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.

My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.

The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*

Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??

Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.