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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.