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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
Siri, where are my pants?
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.