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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”