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Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
Youth is wasted on the young.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.