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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.