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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.