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Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.