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I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
I drink to make other people interesting
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch