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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.