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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....