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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.