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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.