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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.