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Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
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Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.