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Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
like this if you are against animal cruelty
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.