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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?