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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.