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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.