Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!