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Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.