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I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.