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Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They`ve obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.