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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.