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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.