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I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
I was born at a very early age.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.