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Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.