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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Is the CEO of Kraft also known as The Big Cheese?
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.