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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”