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Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.