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So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
Comment if you think I`m normal... Like this if you think I`m crazy... Copy this if you know your crazy too! And if your me... OMG TURKEY SQUIRREL! :)
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.