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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.