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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.