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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?