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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
Trust me, I am a liar.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.